Plans

I’m not a planner. I don’t look ahead. Dinners with friends or family, the day of a play my father acts in, exams, ... They all get written down in an agenda. Just in case I might forget. But planning something with someone in your head... No. Cause when you plan something you’re realy looking forward to, you can be let down. The event might be cancelled and in some cases you might end up getting hurt. Maybes, Ifs, thens, ... just not my cup of tea... until a couple of weeks ago.
I started seeing a future with someone I’ve known for more than six years now. It was never the right timing or I was just too closed off. This time he made me come clean. He made me ready for something I hadn’t been ready for in a real long time but he finally got me there.

Sadly enough I was all nervous like a little girl who started going to a new school, with just one question in mind ‘What if they (or in this case he) don’t like me?’ What if? But it didn’t work out. I was too worried, too scared, too much of a little girl. We stayed friends, like we’ve always have. We started seeing each other a bit more often and I could be myself again, ‘cause nothing was at stake, I thought.

I just wasn’t realizing that unwillingly, unconsciously and very stupidly I’d put my heart out there. I started to think of things we could do together, when I would have more time, which at the moment I didn’t have with school and all. But still, together. And then, last sunday. He told me he had met someone else.


And me? Now I’ve got all this time on my hands. They say time is money but I don’t feel rich. I guess it’s alot more than that. Like love for instance or missing out on it.

Wake up dreamer
It's happening without you
Cut your hair and shave your beard
You squandered your chances
I'll give you a thousand pounds
To show me how you do it
Stop being so laissez-faire
We're all scared of the future

Life... unexpected

When I was a little girl I thought I understood how things worked. Girls grew up and would marry boys, fathers would walk their daughters down the aisle. And there is an order to things. First came love, then came marriage, then came an over priced ridiculously complicated baby carriage.
But when I grew up I realized it’s not necesserily how things worked. Girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys. Mothers can walk their daughter down the aisle and kids could come before love and marriage. It’s taken me 32 years to figure out who I wanted to be and what I’ve learned is: it’s a choice you make every day about who you wanna be and who you wanna be it with. It means appreciating what happend in your life and letting go of it. It means being willing to commit with no guarantees. It means knowing and accepting reality, you might just get the fantasy you’ve always dreamed of.

Or not.



From Life Unexpected