Dead and gone

July 23, 2009 at 5:19 pm

After a week of wondering and worrying I made an end to what once was my blissful ignorance. Not knowing that it would still hurt so much after the dream and all the preparations I had made in the back of my head. But still…

My eyes turned black, my heart stopped and breathing became something I had to fight for. Every inhale burned my troat and my chest refusely increased. If this was what it would feel like to die, that wouldn’t be so horrifying. But I wasn’t dying, although my heart felt like it was wounded in a war of bad choices and careles thinking. Each pulse felt as if the blood pumping was in vain, pumping blood into shattered pieces of a broken soul. But time passes, even when it seems impossible. Pass, it does. I prohibited myself to think about it, about him, about all those moments that made me shiver, although I worried about someday not being able to remember the colour of his eyes, the sharpness of his cheekbones or the feeling of his arms around me. Every night the hole in my heart which was invisible during the day, thanks to great acting skills, returned. The edges throbbing, making it impossible to breathe. At night I was the most vulnerable. Despereately wanting to sleep but even in my sleep I wouldn’t be save. Nightmares haunted me and made me even more anxious than I already was. Just until the exhaustion of sleep depravation and the sweet lullabies would break down my defenses. And then, there I was, into the arms of the angel of my nightmares. Waiting for the moment he’d pull them away to leave me there standing on my own. The past was dead, dead and gone, but I was wrong, so wrong.