When I was reading the Cosmopolitan I found an interesting article about women who learned something from their exes. Some learned to break down a wall and opened up. Some learned to stray and take risks in life and some learned to not settle for anything else than wow. It’s like that great quote from SATC:
“Some are settling down, some settle and some refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.’
I agree with the whole quote thingie, I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies, hence the three years of singleness. But what is it that makes us so scared to chase the butterflies when they’re so obviously there?
We all know we can learn something from our exes. Still, here I am, clueless…
Because when I’ve come to think about it, I’ve been a great student. From the soccer guy, I learned to enjoy, well obviously, soccer. In a passive way that is. He made me open up to new things. From my gorgeous looking ex I learned to open up emotionally, I learned to talk. And also his passion for Asian cartoons and more ‘complicated’ movies was something he shared happily. Let's call it ‘movie snobbism’. At least we can say that they teached me how to interact with other cultures, intellectual, or not.
But there comes a time when you feel like you’ve learned enough. You tend to block out all the courses previously studied. No more soccer, Asian cartoons or intellectual movies. It’s all tennis, American Dad and chick flicks for now.
But most of all you intentionally forget to open up. Let’s call that my ultimate ex-lover sin. I closed a book, threw away the key and forgot where I hid it. But why is it that I resist so hard to be who I truly am? Memory loss or anxiety?
Why do some people have the power to get so close to the hidden key? But when it comes to Mr. Big, I tend to hide the key even more. He seems so close and yet so far away. Maybe we’re both too scared, too stubborn, too selfish, too much the same. But what does that mean? I tend to ask myself this question over and over again: ‘Just how dangerous is an open heart?’ Or an open book for that matter...
I get restless from thinking too much but when I listen to this one song I know I’m not the only one:
‘I just want back in your head, I’m not unfaithful but I’ll stray, when I get a little scared…’
