DOA

Somewhere in the first half of this year I pronounced Eva dead. Because I thought she was in a better place I guess. I started to forget about her until recently. I've been getting some comments on posts that reminded me that this blog, this little piece of me, was still out there. And what I witnessed yesterday made me realize that this girl who has been dreaming for so long is still very present inside me...

So what happened last night? I had to go to this party from a neighbour who turned 50. There were some ex-colleagues from my mom and it's sad to say but the moment I saw this one woman I felt this Pride & Prejudice kinda way. She looked old for a woman who would turn 49 this month, especially standing next to my mother. And the way she looked old was kinda odd... She looked like she had been wandering around for quite some time... drinking. After I heard that her daughter was a nurse (like 3 times) she judged me. I, who have a degree in journalism, and now am studying to become a nurse (yeah, I know it's a shocking turn) would never now what I wanted. I don't hold grudges against people but the moment she got on that chair to dance (read: wave with her arms) I wished she would fall down. 2 minutes later, she did.

Her husband who had been drinking all night too, clearly had no compassion. Instead they started fighting. This scene contrasted hard with the scene on the dance floor where the birthday girl was dancing with her husband. I actually got tears in my eyes (I cry at almost everything lately, it's really pathetic!). But it got me thinking. It reminded me of some quote from SATC (off course).

Does everybody know when it's right? And how would you know? Are there signs? Fireworks? Is it right when it feels comfortable or is comfortable a sign that there aren't any fireworks? Is hesitation a sign that it's not right or is it a sign that you're not ready? In matters of love, how do you know when it's right?

Are they just staying together because in one way or another they are comfortable? Or are they just clueless? Because I sure am. After reading the Twilight books and a lot of chick flicks I've got such high expectations on romance that I probably might be blind when true love would stare me in the face. And although a lot of shit is really corny I can't seem to settle for anything less than butterflies. But did they? Have there ever been fireworks or were they just drinking buddies who were comfortable enough to get married and drink their way through life? I actually can't decide on whether it's pathetic to see 2 people drink and fight all the time or just wonderful that they've find someone who they truly can be themselves with...

Inconvenience

Cause
It would be inconvenient
Not to be friends
Let's stop
... pretending
Truth is inconvenient
But
So much easier
To not go through
It all
Again and again.

Mellowness

Ik begin me stilaan af te vragen of mijn mellowness wegebt. Ik word nog steeds bewogen door jongens die meisjes vergezellen naar hun kot (en niet verder) omdat ze elkaar al lang niet meer gezien hebben, of door jongens die hun muts meegeven aan meisjes zodat ze het niet koud hebben. Zo schreef ik zelfs een kaartje. (Where's the real me anyway?) Maar anderzijds begin ik vele dingen weer te verfoeien. Zoals de twee dertigers die zaterdag stonden te kussen vlak voor mijn ogen, mét smakgeluidjes, jawel!

De bron van mijn frustratie ligt bij één iemand. Aangezien ik ziek ben vond hij het nodig om zich aan te bieden om mij te komen verzorgen. Op zich niks mis mee, ik juich het zelfs toe... Helaas juich ik enkel het gebaar en niet de persoon toe. Beter nog; hij wilde wel over mijn 'buikje' komen wrijven als me dat beter zou doen voelen. Ten eerste, ik ben geen hond die werkt volgens het systeem -met over mijn buikje wrijven komt alles goed-. Ten tweede, hij is de ex van een vriendin, for crying out loud...

Nog zo'n frustratie. Hij is niet de enige ex van die vriendin die het wel ziet zitten. Ik stel me dan enorm hard de vraag in welke mate ik op haar lijk. En stiekem hoop ik dat dat absoluut niet het geval is. Niet dat ik me beter voel, maar wel anders...

Anyway, om terug te komen op die jongen... Ik heb het grootste schuldgevoel dat iemand ooit kan hebben... Seriously... maar ik kan ook de gigantische bitch uithangen.

Zo was er die jongen die maar niet wilde stoppen met het zingen van Spiderpig (ik hoor u al denken, met welke losers gaat u ook uit!). Een lichte dreiging met de woorden: 'Als ge nu niet stopt met zingen, steek ik mijn iPod in mijn oren' was niet voldoende. Zo gezegd, zo gedaan. Hij bleef zingen en ik begon te zingen, met de iPod in mijn oren weliswaar. Achteraf bekeken was die date een zwaar fiasco. Ik herinner me nog levendig de woorden: 'Kijk Eva, hier is het meest romantische plekje in Hasselt.' Waarop ik antwoordde: 'Die hoop struiken daar?!' Ter verduidelijking, dat was na het Spiderpigliedje.

Maaaar deze jongen had toch een beetje geluk. Met de woorden 'I've got it covered' besloot ik maar van onderwerp te veranderen...

Home run or strike out?

Cristina, on the other hand, expected something very different out of love. She had reluctantly accepted suffering as an inevitable component of deep passion, and was resigned to putting her feelings at risk. If you asked her what it was she was gambling her emotions on to win, she would not have been able to say. She knew what she didn't want, however, and that was exactly what Vicky valued above all else.

Never ever could a movie quote catch my breath like it did yesterday. Almost like it wasn't about Cristina but about me. About a girl who doesn't settle for anything less than butterflies and is willing to put her feelings at risk. Or so it seems. When I've come to think about it, it's only half true. I've accepted the suffering as an inevitable component of deep passion but I'm really not that big of a gambler.
And if I would be a gambler I'm pretty sure I've put my money on all the wrong numbers.

Still afraid, here I am, hesitating to step back on the field to play something that is in fact just a game. And then, there's this saying: Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game which is totally true and something I should live by. But... Well... in my case, there's a really hot pitcher standing in front of me and I'm debating with myself if I'd go for a home run or a strike out.

I carry you in my heart

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
Anywhere I go you go,my dear
And whatever is done by only me
Is your doing, my darling

I fear no fate
For you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world
For beautiful you are my world,my true
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
Higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

Mother...

Motherfucker fuck shit!

Not enough drama

No more depressive crap. No more bad memories. No more... Because there's just not enough drama. Sadly enough, no drama means no writing. Not the way I want to.

I guess I just woke up in the snow instead of falling asleep in it, so I didn't see death coming, not even close. I've got everything I want within my reach. Everything.